Crumb § Harris Family, Inc.
REST IN PEACE JOHNNIE
REST IN PEACE JOHNNIE
It's been a while. I had so much I have wanted to talk to you about that I have not found a starting point. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.
I talked to Cynt a few days ago. She's enjoying her retirement, but she says so many days, she doesn't know what to do or how to feel. I pray for her continuously.
I really haven't felt like myself since you've been gone. I have nobody to talk to, or cry to or anything really. I do what I need to do, I say the proper things...I think and I be at the places I need to be, but it doesn't feel like me or feel real. It feels like I'm acting or something.
I've been wanting to share my Great-Grandbaby with you. I know you would be so happy for me. He has brought me so much laughter, joy and anguish. It's a long story. He is sweet.
Thank you for listening. I'm having trouble going to sleep so here I am up, on the computer babbling. Rest in Peace; you deserve it.
Your Family is hanging in there. It's a year now and things are moving along. Cynt has been having an especially difficult time all month long. School is starting and she's hoping that getting out of the house will be a great help. I hope and pray it will.
Jason was here a few weeks ago and got in touch. He was in Moselle. Had never heard of the place. Kent said it was a little town near Laurel.
I received a video of your boy rapping and stepping with his peers. He is fine, as chubby as ever, but you can tell he is far too intelligent and "booje" to be "down" with the Homies. Bless his heart, he was trying to hang though. He did good.
Your Family sent 24 roses to honor you Anniversary. They always send live flowers and I take them to the grave, but I'm sure they last 2 days at max. I want to suggest artificial, but I haven't been able to do it yet.
They miss you Honey.
Johnnie, Child, Honey, Honey,
It's YOUR Anniversary; a year since you went HOME to be with the Lord. All is well, but you are missed so much.
I thank God you are no longer weeping and wailing; no longer yearning and hoping. You have had a year of freedom and it goes on for eternity.
I thank God, on a regular basis that you are free; I'm so glad you are free, but I miss you and think about you every day of my life. Sometimes it's in laughter, sometimes it in tears, sometimes it's such loneliness that I'm nearly paralyzed with pain, most often it's in gratefulness for the 68 years, all of them. Thank you Brer, thank you. I have one hope and that is that you knew how much you meant to me.
Bye for now, until we meet again.
This is your Headstone. I've been trying to show it to you for months. Cynt chose it, worded the sentiments and paid. You would be so proud of her. She's handling her business. I hope you are pleased with it.
I attempted to go out there right after Michael's Party, but she suggested I wait. She still hasn't changed anything or let anything go. I think she thinks having me around might "force" her to do that. :( Now that I have waited this long, the more difficult it has become to even think about going. It's nearly a year, and I still miss you every day of my life. So much I need to talk to you about. Sad situation, huh? :( I know. :)
1 Corinthians 15New Living Translation (NLT) (EXCERPTS)
35 But someone may ask, “How will the dead be raised? What kind of bodies will they have?” 36 What a foolish question! When you put a seed into the ground, it doesn’t grow into a plant unless it dies first. 37 And what you put in the ground is not the plant that will grow, but only a bare seed of wheat or whatever you are planting. 38 Then God gives it the new body he wants it to have.
53 For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.
54 Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die, this Scripture will be fulfilled:
YOU GOT NEW LEGS NOW, BOO...HAVE YOURSELF A WALK AROUND HEAVEN!
While you are walking around, and getting an audience with Jesus, look your brother up. He's going to be so glad to see you, and to see you walking. Y'all have fun. Fare thee well. I'll see you. Oh child, I'll see you. xoxo
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Hi there (Your infamous greeting),
Two weeks to the day that you made your transition. I am so happy for you, Baby; no more embarrassment, humiliation, regret, shortcomings, dependency, loneliness, wistfulness. No more heartache, no more hurt, no more tears, and Lord Jesus, no more pain. You are Free; at peace; at rest.
In spite of it all my joy, my heart breaks daily, when I look at the clock, trying to give you time to wake up so I can call. You have alternately been my Little Brother, my Child, my Big Brother, my Husband, my Friend and Confidante, and on many occasions, my Daddy. You've been Advisor, Planner, Negotiator, Champion and Supporter. I miss you so much. Thanks to modern technology, I will always have the sound of your voice around me, but it's nothing compared to an actual real conversation.
When I get past the loneliness, adjust to and accept the fact that I now have no one to talk to, I mean really, really talk to, I’ll probably be able to put some kind of life back together for myself.
I awakened this morning thinking “I have to remember to ask Johnnie about the Elijah in Jaylen’s name.” Then I remembered…Oh God!
I talked to A.J. Tuesday, and he mentioned that his grandson is named Elijah and that your grandson’s middle name is Elijah. I wasn’t aware of that nor any significance associated with it; might have been a coincidence or it could be something else, but I will never know.
Speaking of Jaylen, he can ride now without the training wheels. Ain’t that something? The day you are laid to your eternal rest, he had Uncles and Cousins holding the bike teaching him to balance himself and ride. He was so excited. I know you tried so hard, but you just couldn’t do it in the chair.
Your children are going to be alright. They went back to work this week. Getting back to the routine of their life is healthy and will help the healing. Cynt is going to be better/alright in time. She has so much ahead of her and I know she’s overwhelmed. She says she’s going back to work next week, even though she still has “time off.” I will go back to help if she wants/needs me. I’m going back soon whether she says anything or not. I told you I was not going to desert your family and I meant it. Chet already asked me, “Tee, are you coming back to visit us?” I said, “Of course.” And I meant it.
I thank the Lord for all those nights I spent in the hospital with you; the long, long talks; the sharing of feelings; the time and ability to say things to each other we had never shared before. You said, "I hope in the end, you have somebody to take as good of care of you as you have done for me. And I hope I'm sitting at the gate when you come in." I said, "You will be standing Boo. Remember when we get to Heaven we will have new bodies, you will have new legs." Oh, the smile that crossed your face was priceless. You said, "I'ma have new legs?! Wow!" Then you napped a while. I boo-hoo'ed.
It was so good to know that I haven’t been getting on your nerves as much as I thought. Good to know that you knew you could count on me. Good to hear you tell your family to take care of me and not let me take it too hard. That let me know you were aware of how much you meant to me. You thanked me for being the only one to want what you wanted. But oh child, child, child…every breath I took was like a razor cutting my lungs and heart.
You were so crazy and funny during some of those talks; a comedian to the end. I told Simmons some of the things you said. He laughed so hard. I know you wanted to just close your eyes and wake up in glory, and I am so sorry it didn’t happen that way. Every time you opened your eyes and saw me, you were so disappointed because you knew you were still here. I was so sorry. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how.
God had dispatched Angels to prepare for your entrance. He had a Special Servant coming Home and everything had to be just so. When He was ready, He told them, “Now go get him.” You closed your eyes and went on.
I thank Him every day for you. I thank Him for sharing you with us all these years. I thank Him for taking you home.
Rest Honey, we are going to be alright. Day by day, hour by hour, step by step, we are moving forward.
If loved could have saved you….
LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND:
June 8, 2000
Your soon to be
Saturday, September 3, 2016
THE LETTER I GAVE CYNT
One day at a time, just one day. Love you Girl. Take good care of yourself.
September 8, 2016...Thursday, again. :(
Aiysha sent this clip to me a few days ago. I had a major meltdown after watching it. I just knew it had put such a big old smile on your face to see your boy riding without training wheels.
I could see the smile, in my mind's eye, and realizing I won't ever see it again, on this side, was just a bit much at the time.
I felt much better after it was over.
Miss you Boy.
September 10, 2016
Went to Choir Rehearsal this morning. Walked up the hill to clean Momma and Daddy's headstone off; Bug's also. Put new Fall flowers on each headstone. Just looked at the site where your body was laid two weeks ago. Felt some kind of way, but didn't weep. Went on inside and tried to sing. Henry called this evening and asked me if I went and how was it. I told him, "Ms Brown still can't play." :)
Your flowers were still fresh and pretty, so I didn't disturb them. I will go back soon to check on them and you. There was some kind of critter in the bushes; scared me to death, but I was on a mission. I thought about the bobcats you were forever warning me about. I just may need to get a gun or something before my next venture up there alone.
So much has been happening lately, stupid stuff, crazy stuff, sad and heart wrenching stuff. I cannot get used to the fact that I can't talk to you about them. Someday though, huh? I just have to keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. Lordy Jesus....
Jerry(Scott) is very sick. Grandmother said he asked about me. I don't know how I can go up there and see him and not lose it. I am so raw right now, that I don't even know I'm crying until the tears are running down my chin and neck. To see him like that will surely take me there.
He has not been told of your transition yet, and just as sure as I see him, his first question will be, "How's Johnnie D.?" What will I say. Linda said he's very weak; hasn't eaten in six weeks or so. I can well remember what that looks like. Lordy Jesus!!
Anyway Boo, it's about time for me to shut it down. I texted Cynt today, but she hasn't replied...yet. Hope that is a good sign. Love you much, miss you even more. So glad you are resting. I am...I really am. But, Lordy Jesus, I miss you. All my tears are not for me, I weep for Cynt also. I cannot even imagine what her days and nights are like.
And believe it or not, I am going to let your candle burn brightly. Just watch and be patient. :)
Bye now. xoxo
September 13, 2016
I've been wanting to get your no-nonsense take on Rick Perry being on Dancing with The Stars for several days. Now after seeing his performance last night, man oh man oh man, I wanted to pick up the phone for sure.
This morning, I woke up to that overwhelming desire to talk to you, to tell you something, to ask you something, to let you tell me something. I wrestled with it then got up and went for a walk.
Let me assure you again, it's going to be all right...in the Morning. But where oh where is that place called Morning??!!
Anyway, Rick Perry is leaving on the FIRST elimination; can't dance, or even move a little bit. Lord, how I would love to hear you rip him apart. Football is in full swing now. Some of our shows are starting their new season next week. There will be new ones also.
Lordy, Lordy, Lordy....
Cynt went back to work today. Yaaaay!! That's a good thing. I pray it helps her a lot in restructuring, finding new purposes and knowing that she has to go on, differently, but go on. Life will never be the same, but go on we must.
Bye for now. Miss you Boy.
I'm having computer issues. If it's not one thing, it's a thousand. I miss venting, got to learn to suck it up and go on, huh? Big girl and all that, right? Yep, I know. :(
September 15, 2016
It's Thursday, 4 weeks from the day you transitioned. A month, even though Sunday, September 18 will be one month to the date.
All that means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things; it's been a LONG time. Had anyone told me I could or would live a month without talking to you, I would have said, "Not possible." But, here it is.
Love you, miss you, need to talk to you; yet so glad you are resting. Such a paradox, but moving on.
Saturday, September 17, 2016 0900
Today is not starting off good at all. Lord have mercy Jesus!!
I got into something ugly last night; and for some reason, out of the blue, Michael texted me something crazy and I got into a "thing" with him. Brought me back. I read a while and slept, well, I think. But sometimes in the morning, these days seem to stretch out so very long.
I have spent so much of my time/life praying for you, wishing, hoping, feeling, living your pain, shortcomings, indignities, suffering, longings, that now that it's not necessary, I don't seem to know what to do, or what to think about. This entire year has been particularly rough.
My prayers don't feel right, because I don't ask for special blessings for you. There's no need to; you are in a good, wonderful, blessed place. I know this empirically, but my heart doesn't seem to cooperate. Instead of praying for you, now I thank the Lord for you; for your life, for your legacy, for the joy and laughter you brought to so many. I thank Him for allowing me to share your life. And yes, I really thank Him for taking you home to rest. If anyone needed or deserved some rest, you were the Poster Boy.
If I had some special powers to bring you back to "your life" I would not. I'm so glad you are free of that old body that was causing you so much anguish, embarrassment, indignity, pain and suffering. I wish it could have been easier, but nothing seemed to be easy for you, huh?
Lord child, when you told your wife and children to not let me take it so hard, apparently you knew me better than I know myself. At the time, all I could think of was how good it would be for you to not hurt anymore, I had not seen life beyond that.
I'm going to do better, get better, be better. I am, I really am. I ask Him for the ability to do one day at a time. Thank You Jesus. It's going to be all right.
September 18, 2016
Some days, there are just no words...
today is one of those days. :(
September 22, 2016
I am still waiting to have a day when I don't have a desire, need or urge to call and tell you something. I know it is coming, but I wish it was sooner as opposed to later.
A remake of The Magnificent Seven is out now, or about to be released soon. Denzel Washington is starring as one of the Seven. Can you believe that? He's no Lee Van Cleef, but hopefully he will be good as a cowboy. (: Who would have thought he would be on horseback.
I know you would be patiently waiting for Jason to download it for you so you could burn it to a DVD to watch and add to your collection. You used to dearly love The Magnificent Seven, and now there is a new, modernized version too late for you to enjoy. Lordy, Lordy!!
Another thing, my vehicle is "racing." I think that's what you called "loping." It's like it just wants to run away from itself. I think a tune-up, plugs and wires, would be beneficial, but the mechanic said they are designed to last 100,000 miles and I have about 83K. So, what do I do now?
September 26, 2016
Doing okay. Breathing, upright, taking nourishment; missing you so much, but not crying. Your candle is burning brightly. :) :(
OMG! Bill O'Rielly is on Ellen. He just gave President Obama a compliment. I am in shock. This is a red letter day; or it should be. :)
September 27, 2016
Struggling today. Struggling. Not crying, but struggling. Can't seem to find a comfortable spot to be in physically, mentally or emotionally.
According to Fitbit, I have made 9596 steps and it's only noon. My daily goal is 10,000. 404 more steps and that will be a wrap. Did I mention it's only noon? :) Gosh!!
It's okay. I will be okay. But Gee Whiz....
Miss you Boy!! Lordy, Lordy!!
September 28, 2016
TGIW! Thank God It's Wednesday!! Ouuu Child!! You don't even know.
It's "Ride r Die" Chick Get-Away Day. Whew! Thank You Jesus!!
Okay, back home.
It was good to get out. These past few days have been something. Considering, there will be an eighteenth, a twenty-fifth and twenty-seventh of each month for the remainder of my life, I must pull myself together and not go into a state of depression.
My children had gotten tickets for a comedy show 2 months ago. When I returned, as soon as I could remember the show, I asked Michael to sell my ticket. Either he couldn't or didn't put forth enough effort; the ticket wasn't sold and I went to the show. It was enjoyable...good to do some senseless laughing...escape for a minute. It felt strange though. After the show, reality slapped me in the face....Lordy.
Anyway, I'm good...I will be good. Time, time, time. Back to today.... It is always helpful to be out with Vee. After listening to her, it reinforces my belief that being blacklisted and excluded is not so bad after all. It's not nearly the worst thing that can happen to you. I really needed the outing today.
I had my first chance to ride in her new car. She has a Honda Accord and the "tag" was $1043. Can you believe it?! OMG! That means I will never be able to buy another new car. So sad, and it's just Jackson; not Hinds County in general.
Oh, you need to congratulate me; I am about to be a Great-Granny. Isn't that something? LOL! I just found out, but I understand the news is and has been on Face Book, therefore all the Face Book kings and queens in the family knew already, but no one deemed it prudent, appropriate or necessary to mention it to me.
Sue and I had lunch Friday and when we sat down, the first words out of her mouth were, "How's your grandchildren?" I almost laughed. My thought was, "Okaaay, so this is it." I said, "They are okay, I guess. I haven't seen them since the party. But I hear I'm about to be a Great-Granny." She said, "Who...Morgan?" Whoop, there it is.
Bless her heart, I guess during the Family Talk(s), she was the chosen one to see if I knew. I will assume she reported her findings. I wonder what would happen if I were talked to, and not about. But, no one seems to be able to do that. No one sees, hears, or understands me, so overtime, I've learned to just not talk. However, I listen very well.
It's okay...it is what it is. I'm too cerebral, I think too much, I see things as they are...through the disguises, and fronting even if and when I don't say anything, and most often I don't...but, I know where the bones are buried.
How well I remember your amazement that you had information about happenings here that I didn't have, even though I live here. I'm good Boo. I'm strong...like you. Ha...Ha. There are no other choices, huh?
I have more to talk to you about, but it's too painful right now. I don't want to come from a place of hurt, anger and pain. If and when I can be rational, clinical, and lacking in emotions, then... Gotta go. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to get it right.
Miss you so much.
The Magnificent Seven was top at the box this past weekend, the premiere weekend. Hopefully it will remain there this weekend also. The buzz is that Denzel is awesome.
October 2, 2016
A new month, September is history. Good...'cause it was a booger. This month will be better, it has to be. It's Sunday; the first Sunday and I am making no effort for service this morning. My theory has become, as long as I am at Little Mount on the 2nd and 4th Sundays, I am not backsliding. How does that sound? Sounds good to me. :)
I'm doing ok. Often, I seem to really have it together, and then IT sneaks upon me and I have a melt-down. They are not as frequent or intense as they once were. Your eyes haunt me continuously. They were begging me for HELP and I couldn't do anything...not one single thing. It was in God's hands. I know that empirically, but my heart can't seem to grasp it.
I'm so happy for you that your HURT is behind you. There're all kind of medications for pain, but when your heart and soul are hurting, there's nothing you can do, but try to breathe through it. In my humble opinion, you endured more than your fair share of HURT.
But praise God, it's over now...for you. Jesus has dried the tears from your eyes and you are at peace. It hurts me to not be able to share with you the few things in life you still enjoyed. Hurt, hurt, hurt. I'm breathing through it though.
Okay, I'm getting up now to do something, go somewhere, something.
Bye now. Some glad morning....
October 4, 2016
Henry had an angiogram today. EKG looked a little funny, so the Cardiologist went further. There was blockage; about 50%, not enough for a stint, just medication and lifestyle changes. Since they got to him so late, they decided to keep him overnight.
I went to Bible Study and decided to stop by the hospital on my way home. Not one of my better ideas. Lord have mercy Jesus.
When I walked in and saw him lying there in that bed, I had a major meltdown. If I had had any idea I would react that way, I would have passed on by the hospital. I was doing fine, just walked over to the bed and...I do not know what happened. It was not good at all. I felt so bad afterwards. It was okay.
Lord, I'm weak or something. I have just got to stay away from people or out of the way until I can get a handle.
October 17, 2016
Boy, boy, boy. Man, man, oh man.
Feeling some kind of way. Not crying. Not sad...exactly; but something; some strange old kind of way.
I miss you. I know it's over; it's the end, or it has ended is more like it, but.... Lordy, Lordy.
I don't know what to feel; how to feel. What to say; what to not say.
I talked to Cynt a while last night. She is drowning. She needs help on so may levels, but....
I know her well-being was your major concern as you were leaving. I know that was your only or your major regret, but you had to go. I hope in time she will work it out and be okay.
I'm walking a thin line between concern and nosey. It's uncomfortable, so I'm going to have to make a decision...soon.
Time to go. Lordy child. Lordy :(
October 22, 2016
Feeling some kind of way today. Want to just run or hide or run and hide. I feel like a copy of myself...not real, not like the "real me"; whatever that feels like or whatever the "real me" is.
It would probably be beneficial to talk to someone with degrees, licenses, letters behind their name and certificates on their walls. But, what do I say? When I open my mouth to say something REAL, the tears and sadness want to take over. So my solution is to say nothing significant or real.
I hear some of the strangest things leaving my mouth;Things that are of no consequence or have no meaning to me. I'm babbling right now.
I need sleep, but it eludes me. I feel so sleepy sometimes, but as soon as I close my eyes, my mind goes haywire. I seem to wake up around 3 AM and cannot go back to sleep. And, it doesn't matter what time I get in bed.
Maybe writing this and reading it will help me get some perspective or at least help me to get on with it. Maybe I need something to do, a purpose, something to think about.
Sorry to whine. We called it venting, but I'm not angry, so it's not really venting. Whining is all I can think of, so I'm just going to stop.
November 4, 2016
Johnnie, Johnnie, Johnnie...Child, child, child! Lordy, Lordy.
November, and I still don't know if I'm getting a raise or not. For the past 10 years, you have kept me abreast of that. When and if Social Security got a raise, CSRS got one also. Now...well, I guess I'll have to just look it up for myself or wait for the media. :(
Every day of my life there's something I need to ask you or tell you. I have a better handle on it. I'm doing what I have to do, saying what I need to say, being where I need to be. I think I am appearing to be normal, or at least, all right, or okay. I'm trying to pull it off. Nobody has said anything, but nobody would notice or say anything, come to think of it.
The beat goes on...but I do miss you Boy. Lord have mercy Jesus!!
November 9, 2016
You will not believe what has happened in our beloved USA. Donald Trump is the 45th President. Yep, it is very true.
I came home from church about 9:15 last night, turned the TV on to check the election results. To my dismay, DT was leading. I thought, "Oh no, this is not good. But the polls just closed in California, so there's time. Let me see what Johnnie is thinking." Then there it was, can't do that. I turned the TV off, took a shower, got in bed and went to sleep.
When I got up this morning, I turned the TV on to see the final result. DT was President. OMG! All the anchors, or TV personalities were looking as crazy as possible. It was early, they had not had ample time to "school" their features for national TV. Laughing at them made me feel better...if I was in fact feeling anything.
I haven't watched any of the hoopla. Haven't been on Face Book. Just don't want to hear it. It's going to be okay. Embarrassing, but okay.
So, it's going to be interesting to say the least. God still is....
Miss you boy.
November 12, 2016
I dreamed about you last night. That's the first time since you left. It was so bizarre that I can't put it together yet. Momma would be 103 today if she were still here. So, I have just kind of been out of it all day.
In the dream, I was about to head into a building, and you came out the door before I got to the door. So, even though I didn't see your face, your body and gait seemed so familiar to me. Yes Child, you were walking, with a limp, but walking nonetheless.
I changed my mind about going inside and began walking down the street behind you, even though I didn't know it was you; just a familiar man. I kept thinking, "He needs a cane, but I guess he is too macho or something."
Even though you were limping, I couldn't seem to catch up to you, but I couldn't give up and go back. At some point you stumbled and fell. People surrounded you and some were calling 911. By then I had gotten much closer. I heard, "Don't call; I'm alright; give me a hand."
I started screaming and trying to push through the crowd. "Let me through! Let me through! That's my brother!" I woke up; I never saw your face. I have been unsettled all day; can't stop thinking about it. If there was a message there, I don't have it yet. Gee Whiz!
I'm already agonizing over how your family is going to get through Christmas; all the hoopla. You so dearly loved making Christmas special for them. I was in Los Angeles last year from December 4-10, and spent most of it wrapping presents for you. You had worn your computer out ordering stuff. That was a real step outside your comfort zone, because you did not shop online; too many things could go wrong.
Your hands were bothering you, so I wrapped and wrapped and wrapped. You said, "I want this one to be special because it might be the last one." I thought you were feeling that or saying that because you had February facing you. But, I guess you had a premonition. I thank God that he answered prayers. You woke up feeling good and had a wonderful day being Santa.
Now here it is, Christmas 2016 is a little better than a month away. Lord have mercy Jesus!
Rest well Honey. XOXO
November 23, 2016
Day before Thanksgiving.
There are just no words!!
Lord have mercy Jesus!!
November 24, 2016
It has been a good day. Much better. Just being me.
Cynt had a rough day, but I had already expected it.
Now Christmas is looming in the forefront. :(
December 1, 2016
First day of last month of 2016. I will be so glad when 2016 gets on up out of here.
Ordered the Headstone the other day, to Cynt's specifications. Man oh man, oh man, how much fun was that. Soon comes the "joy" of having it placed. Got some flowers today for the vase. So now I wait. He said he would try to have it finished before Christmas. Let's hope so, or at least before the end of the year...please Jesus.
Miss you boy.
December 14, 2016
It's been a minute, but I think about you and miss you every day of my life. It's difficult to stop doing something you have done for so long.
I got through my birthday...a lot easier or better than I had originally thought. I knew I was going to need to keep it moving, so I left home at about 8 AM and it was after 6 PM when I returned...waay dark.
I went by Grandmother's, to the Post Office, then to Michael's job. His cards saved me. After reading them, I felt calm and empowered. I had received several cards and had not opened them...didn't want to. I opened his immediately and just breathed. The sentiments were so heartwarming. Normally, that would make me weep, but I felt whole and strong for the first time in a long time. I have read them many times since.
I had scheduled a 90 minute massage...keeping it moving. So, I left the shop and headed to Flowood for my massage.
Millie just happened to be off, and she called about meeting for lunch. We met and it was a nice lunch. I'm dealing with new teeth, sooo....
Anyway, it was a good day.
If I could get past the hurt in your eyes, I would believe or know it's going to be all right. I bore your hurt for so many years that it is just so hard to rid my mind and heart of it. You are at rest now and will never hurt or cry again, but I remember the tears you shed down through the years about one hurt after the other. You went on though, you tried to find peace in your heart beyond the hurt and disappointment.
I can't seem to let it go. I hate it so badly that you had to die the way you did. So much you wanted to say, but didn't get the chance to say it. It can't hurt you anymore, but it is still hurting me. Oh child, child, child.
I told Cynt that we, your siblings, are going to handle the balance of the headstone. She said, "No, she's sending a check." You know how fiercely independent your wife is. I haven't gotten the check at this moment and I hope she accepted our help, but we shall see.
I worry about her. She needs help, but she will never ask. How am I to know whether to pitch in or just leave it/her alone? Now, it's about 10 days before Christmas. I cannot imagine what it will be like in that house on that day. Another day I plan to keep it moving.
Oh child, I'm so happy for you. So glad you don't have to cry anymore; don't have to wonder why anymore; don't have to try to be good enough or worthy enough or deserving enough. You can just rest forever. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to make sense of it. Lord, Lord, Lord.
It's going to be okay...after while...in the morning. Where oh where is that place called morning?
Rest child, rest.
December 31, 2016
Well, here it is the last day of 2016. 366 days of this that and the other. Oh, child, child, child, it has been a year for the record books, but it ends tonight. With God's grace and mercy, we get a fresh, brand new year in the morning.
Christmas is over; we survived. Your boy got home in time to put your tree up. All the kids were happy. Santa was real good to everybody.
I thought your headstone would be ready by Christmas, but no such luck. I went down Christmas Eve and put some poinsettias on your grave. Red and white, in a red vase with Christmas garland around it.
I had put poinsettias in the vase on Bug's headstone and in Momma's and Daddy's earlier. Just waiting for your headstone. I was disappointed, but I had to get something for you because Christmas was your favorite holiday, or at least I always thought so.
Then I thought the headstone would be ready before today, that I could get you set up before the New Year entered; but no.
I was so very upset with that N-word when I talked to him the other day. I'm just breathing through it. I won't call him again, in a day or two. I do not want to hear another lie. He came highly recommended by the guy who did Bug's, but...you know your people.
Anyway, I will get you fixed up soon.